


Merely This and Nothing More

by wingwitharose



Category: Ever After High, Ever After High Series - Shannon Hale
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Raven, Asexuality, Coming Out, F/M, Internalized Acephobia, Touch Aversion, mentions of an abusive parent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-25
Updated: 2016-08-25
Packaged: 2018-08-10 19:22:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7857958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingwitharose/pseuds/wingwitharose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being the daughter of the Evil Queen wasn't the only thing complicating Raven's life.</p><p>(In which Raven tries to live her asexual life.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Merely This and Nothing More

**Author's Note:**

> There's not enough fic about asexual characters in the world, and it's something I really feel like we need more of. Especially about my faves, so here we are.
> 
> This does contain references to the concept that sometimes teenagers have sexual thoughts, though I've stayed away from anything explicit. There's one kiss at the end, but it's in a non-sexual context. I'm using canon taken from multiple sources (the show, the books, character diaries, etc), with a few liberties taken here and there.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all like this!

  _Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,_

_Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;_

_But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,_

_And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Lenore?”_

_This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, “Lenore!”—_

_Merely this and nothing more._

 

 

Raven Queen always loved books.

Well, most books.

She discovered that her parents had very different taste in stories very early on. She could still remember being young and small, tucked into bed, waiting anxiously for her mother to come tell her a bedtime story, bouncing her tiny feet on the bed and driving the nannies mad. She remembered her mother walking in, tall, regal, proud. She would perch on the throne she'd had several goblins carry in behind her (straightening from the weight of the heavy metal only to double back over in deep bows as they scampered back out), and send a conspiratorial smile at her daughter.

She still remembered the stories her mother told her.

Awful, gruesome things. Tales of horrors and darkness, of torture and hate and all of the horrible things she would one day inflict on the people of her kingdom. Telling her about how one day she would be the nightmare hiding under the beds of children and adults alike. How one day the name Raven Queen would be more feared than the dark itself.

Her mother would leave with a glint in her eye and glee in her smile, and Raven would lie in the dark, wishing she was safe in her bed on her father's side of the castle, too afraid of things she couldn't escape to fall asleep.

On the other hand she could never remember her father's stories, no matter how hard she tried. They simply weren't important.

Instead she remembered cuddling up next to him as he read stories of princesses and knights and talking animals, giggling away at the most mundane things just because he read them with a silly voice and a smile. She remembered the hugs and the goodnight kisses just for her (and Prince Bun-Bun) and the nightlight he left glowing just in case.

Those were the important things.

Of course as she got older things changed. The bedtime stories stopped, though her mother remained her mentor for all things cruel and creepy, and her time spent living on her father's side of the castle was still always her favorite. School started and so did the bullying, and so Raven found friends where many other lonely souls before her had.

The library.

The castle library (or more specifically, her father's library, as her mother refused to keep her tomes on dark magic anywhere her ex-lover might even think to step foot) was her sanctuary for years spent hiding from her mother, taking refuge in the accounts of other people's lives and adventures and happily ever afters. All things her mother stressed were only for the likes of simpering princesses just asking to be poisoned.

But she still kept dreaming, though mostly, she kept reading. She read her way through all of the children's books in the castle, spending many of her days meandering through the other sections, sliding off instructional guides to flip through them, sitting on the floor mouthing her way through biographies and wondering what it was that these people felt and wanted and loved.

One day, her mother went too far. Her imprisonment and sudden disappearance from Raven's life brought on a strange and overwhelming mix of emotions that she tried to curb with the help of the characters she had always turned to.

But another thing Raven had not yet adjusted to was that as suddenly as the dark armies of her mother had disappeared into the nooks and crevices of the kingdoms, they were replaced by guards sent to keep watch over her mother's mirror and any of the powerful dark artifacts and magic that still lay around the castle. Her father, possibly in a gesture of goodwill but more likely because that was just the person he was, personally made sure that all of them knew that they were welcome to many of the resources the castle had to offer. Including the library.

And so by these circumstances, one day when she was especially feeling like middle school (and the accompanying torment) would never end, Raven happened to find a new book hidden between the stacks. It had a strange cover, a man and a woman embracing, seemingly covered in more sweat than clothing, but she didn't take it to mean much and cuddled up in her favorite chair by the window to start reading.

It was a strange book to match its cover, with too many weird descriptions of arms and muscles and chests and butts for her taste, but weird books were nothing new to Raven. And so she kept reading. That is, until a particular scene.

Raven thought it was a bit odd when the main characters started staring at mouths and chests and panting like they'd been running for miles when all they'd done was stand there very, very close together.

She thought it was even more odd when they started taking each other's clothes off. And, well, by odd maybe she kind of meant...slightly alarming.

It took a few moments, but Raven suddenly had the realization that this was something her mother had described to her before. But like a lot of things her mother had taught her about, at the time she'd mostly stopped listening and tried to remember as little of what was said as possible. But now she felt like it was seared into her mind for the rest of her life.

She'd spent a lot of time around her mother being uncomfortable, trying to merge into her surroundings and disappear so no one could force her to deal with the things in front of her, insides squirming as if they could burst right out of her. But this was something else altogether.

She spent an hour sitting there, staring at the pages, willing herself to just get through this scene so she could finish the book.

Instead she hid it as she had found it, walking quickly out of the library, heart pounding and thoughts racing, with her skin itching in a way that made her want to peel it off and use it to hide from the world.

 

…

 

When Raven was finally in high school, she had very few friends.

Cedar had been her friend for ages. Although they'd never gone to the same school, their fathers were friends and visiting was always the highlight of their summers. Maddie had been her very best friend from the moment she'd somersaulted into their shared dorm room and offered her tea. And...

Well, it was mostly just Maddie and Cedar.

But Maddie and Cedar were so much more than she'd had, and so much more than she'd ever known to even ask for. And so Raven's Freedom Year was as wonderlandiful (a word she picked up from Maddie) as it could have been. She'd never expect perfect, not so long as she was, well, her, but it was better than she'd ever had before.

She enjoyed (some) of her classes, avoided Sparrow Hood and his band of jerks as much as possible, and finally got to talk honestly to her friends (real, actual friends) about so many of the things that bothered her.

Though, maybe not quite all of them.

While Maddie and Cedar were the two most kind and understanding people she'd ever met, she still had the feeling that there were some things they might not fully _get_. After all, it was hard to explain even to your friends that you were pretty sure you were missing feelings. That there was an error in her make-up that meant she was....

Well, she wasn't really sure what it meant. But thinking about it made her want to scream.

Besides, they'd already agreed that there were some things they shouldn't talk about. Some secrets were too personal, too risky for the whole school to hear, and it wasn't fair to try and make Cedar do the impossible and not tell everyone.

So Raven tried to put her worries aside, about Legacy Day and the sinking feeling that something was deeply wrong with her. There would be another day to deal with that.

Later.

 

…

 

Legacy Year came much more quickly (and rudely) than Raven was expecting.

Some things that came with it she did expect. The increased anxiety: check. The continuing wary looks and stony silences as she walked by in the halls: check. Dexter Charming: wait, what?

Raven may have hoped otherwise, but she did expect that when she tried to make new friends at lunch while waiting for Maddie and Cedar, the reaction would be screaming and running away. She didn't expect that soon after that Dexter Charming would walk over to her and try to make conversation.

Awkward conversation, yes. But he was trying.

And when Apple, with Dexter's brother Daring in tow, came over to make friendly conversation, she didn't expect Dexter to casually walk with her to meet them. Though it _was_ his brother and future sister-in-law. But he didn't step away from her, not even with them around.

So there was Apple White and Daring Charming, standing there in the Castleteria like the future Queen and King they were. There was her, Raven Queen, wanting to run away and hide where things were less awkward. And there was Dexter, still standing next to her, their shoulders parallel. Facing Daring and Apple with her. That was weird, right?

Because Dexter Charming was, predictably, a Charming. And the Charmings had lots of pretentious adjectives attached to their name. Traditional. Reputable. In some cases, narcissistic. But none of these things explained why one of them would go out of their way to approach her in front of half of the student body and actually try to make conversation.

None of this explained why Dexter Charming had tried to tell her that she looked nice.

 

…

 

It took Raven much too long to come to the obvious and most likely conclusion regarding the mystery of why Dexter Charming was seemingly trying to be her friend.

It was a prank.

She'd spent much longer than she'd like to admit thinking about it, but it was the best explanation for the facts in front of her. Dexter, coming to talk to her in the hallways. Greeting her cheerfully. _Smiling_ at her. His dad was a guest lecturer at the school fairly often, which meant there was plenty of opportunity for news of the two of them being seen together to get back to him.

For godmother's sake he didn't seem to care at all that he was talking to the heir of the Greatest Evil There Ever Was during _Legacy Day practice_. Was this flirting? No one had ever flirted with her before for real. It was obvious when Sparrow was trying to pocket something off her, but outside of that? She'd never had to learn how this worked.

But either way, as much as she wanted to think that all of this was just Dexter being a nice person who genuinely wanted to be around her, she wasn't naïve. Her mother hadn't raised her that way.

And while she imagined that most advice her mother would give her on how to deal with this situation (were she able to actually ask her mom for advice) was probably just about as far as you could get from anything she would be willing to do, she figured one piece of advice was maybe appropriate.

Let him get close. Give him enough opportunity to expose his intentions, and then....

Well that was the part where she deviated from her mom's potential retribution and instead moved on with her life after taking a bit of time to nurse the emotional sting that would probably result.

Honestly, it wasn't great knowing that her only plan was to, well, do basically nothing and let things play out. She knew that she'd probably be better off staying distant and avoiding the whole thing altogether, but it was too hard to ignore the niggling feeling that she would always regret passing up the opportunity to have another friend. And....

Well, okay. He was cute. She didn't want to admit it, but she was probably yet another girl on the list of those who had been thoroughly charmed by a Charming smile. She _wanted_ to spend more time with him.

But more than that, even though it was a bad idea it was a chance to see if maybe the swooping in her stomach when she was around him was a sign that she wasn't really that different after all.

There was only one way to find out.

 

…

 

All of this was why when she found herself sitting out on the west balcony, the sunset filtered landscape spread out in front of her, Dexter next to her, their hands resting between them with their pinky fingers millimeters apart, she asked him out. As a friend, of course.

Briar was having a party that Friday. Lots of people would be there, but they'd be focused on the party instead of them. Unless it _was_ a prank, in which case he would probably be sorely tempted to deliver the punchline right then and there. Objectively, it was the perfect opportunity.

Objectively, she might have giggled a bit when he said yes. She was slightly disgusted with herself.

 

…

 

Raven curbed most of her nervousness about the party by repeatedly reminding herself that it wasn't really a date. She didn't really dress up, when Cedar asked about it she told her it wasn't really anything that meant anything at all, and she told herself over and over that it really wasn't going to be as bad as Briar's Book-to-School party.

She shuddered. It would take a lot for it to be as bad as Briar's Book-to-School party.

When she walked into the common room (a gulp and a deep breath and a wipe of her sweaty hands on her dress beforehand), he was already there. He looked torn, standing by the front of the room with his hands stuffed in his pockets, but still throwing glances towards the punch bowl that said he wasn't really comfortable with the waiting.

Her hand suddenly felt like it should be holding his. She wasn't really sure whether this was the beginning of her body's slow betrayal or not. She was here to, well, to at least try to stay impartial for the moment.

He finally saw her and smiled, eyes lit up and so blue and she never wanted to look away. She took a deep breath but she was pretty sure it was already a lost cause.

It took a few minutes of indecision and a lot of looking at things that weren't his face, but eventually they settled on standing by the wall and looking at everyone else and finally just...talking. Talking about the music that came on, about the unfair under appreciation of Tailor Quick, and briefly...even a bit about destiny.

She knew it was a bad idea. Getting caught up in any of this at all was probably a bad idea, but actually saying

“ _I don't know.... I kind of wish....”_

...well it was something worse than being humiliated. He could get her expelled with that if he wanted to. She shook her head. She wasn't sure if it was an end to her sentence or a reaction to her decision making.

“Yeah.”

Her eyes shot to his face, his own eyes downcast, thoughtful.

“I...”

There was a moment where the noise of the party rushed in to fill his silence. There was so much to say, so much that could be said, but she knew he probably never would. Not to her, not to anyone. He couldn't.

No one could.

She looked around at all of the people there. A lot of his friends, and so many of the people he was accountable to.

A lot of people _she_ was accountable to.

And she thought, _screw it._

She held out her hand for him. And with a small but overwhelmingly genuine smile, he took it.

 

…

 

Legacy Day changed her life forever.

But not in the way she thought it would.

 

…

 

Life after Legacy Day was bliss.

For the first time in her entire life, Raven felt like she was actually living something that belonged to her. The princesses still got all the solos in Muse-ic Class, people still whispered about her in the hallways, and Headmaster Grimm was still trying to convince her that the entire magical world would fall into ruin if she didn't sign the Storybook of Legends.

But now she just didn't care. Now that she hadn't disappeared and they knew that they didn't have to sign the book, she was never going back. For all of the people that still hated her there were suddenly so many others who were coming to her for advice, who looked up to her, who wanted to be her friend. Hunter, who she had been sort of almost friends with for ages, was now standing up for her against the worst of the Royals. Cerise had officially abandoned her lonely table to sit with them at lunch. And now she didn't need Muse-ic Class in order to sing her heart out. She could do anything she wanted now.

Except it was kind of a lie. Life after Legacy Day was a nightmare too.

The rebels weren't just treated like second class anymore, they were treated like criminals. Detention was full every day, for everything from speaking against destiny to dropping a pencil. Raven didn't know how to give people advice on how to live their lives, and now everyone thought she was a leader.

And not caring was the biggest lie of them all. She knew there was no way to be sure that this wouldn't lead to the end of all of the worlds as they knew it.

Apple was devastated. Raven could never be the leader the rebels wanted her to be. Everyone kept saying that now she was even more like her mom than they'd ever thought before.

The Happily Ever After she'd pledged to have on Legacy day was a lie. All she really wanted was to live her life as herself.

For having never been happier in her life, Raven felt awfully stressed. And scared.

 

…

 

Raven didn't talk to Dexter very much for a while after Legacy Day.

She knew his parents had come down hard on their children after the rebellion ignited. They were stressing the importance of destiny and tradition even more than before, and there were even rumors that they'd threatened to switch their three kids back to homeschooling. Suffice to say, Dexter had a reason for being distant.

Which was why it was so surprising that he, well, wasn't.

It was true he didn't come talk to her in the hallways just to say hi anymore. And he kept to the Royal ranks. Even when he was nice to everyone, he never left the boundaries of who he was supposed to associate with.

But the smiles he sent her across the Castleteria said otherwise. And occasionally in the fights that broke out between the Royals and Rebels, he spoke up in support of her, if not quite in support of what she was standing for.

And one day if she might have been crying on the west balcony after a particularly bad day, then maybe he'd found her and sat with her and held her hand and told her to believe in herself. That he believed in her.

At this point, it was clear that if Dexter Charming had a mean bone in his body, it was buried deep. Very deep. Raven was positive that if he really did want to be her friend (which he really did seem to!!!) she would take his friendship and never let it go.

Not that she planned on letting go of any of her other friendships, but something about this was...different?

She thought he was cute, sure, but that didn't really mean anything. He was just really nice and smart and good at holding her hand and cared about the things she said and what she wanted and he actually wanted to be around her despite everything....

But he couldn't. She couldn't. Being around her, being her friend like she wanted him to be her friend would get him in trouble. It'd put his whole future on the line, and of all the things she'd done in the last few weeks, of all the lines she'd crossed, she wouldn't do that to him.

Unless he clearly, deliberately took a step closer, their friendship would have to stay distant. That was okay with her.

He squeezed her hand and let it go, breaking both of them out of their thoughts. He took a deep breath and turned to her, a half smile on his face. It was comforting, but weirdly her lips also started almost-tingling for no reason.

“I'm sorry,” he said. “About how things are going. Not that what you're doing is bad! But...stressful?”

His smile disappeared and he made a pained expression that she couldn't help but laugh at. She noticed that her heart had picked up its pace a bit.

“Yeah. I'll...” she shrugged. She didn't know what the end of that sentence was, but his returning nod made the uncertainty feel a bit less crushing. “Thanks, Dex. For everything.”

It was only after they parted ways and she headed off to her dorm with a bit more lightness to her step that Raven realized what that little feeling in the back of her head was.

She wanted to kiss-

Shit.

 

…

 

This wasn't a big deal. Having feelings like...whatever the hell this was for a _Charming_ was no big deal.

She'd stick to keeping her distance, it'd blow over, and maybe one day they could be friends with no more pesky complications. She knew what this meant for her and him. Nothing. That wasn't the problem.

The problem was she didn't know what this meant for her. Just her.

Maybe things had changed. She'd gotten older, so maybe it'd just taken a bit longer for things to develop in...that direction.

If Dexter Charming kissed her, Raven wouldn't mind. Well she might mind the complications it would cause, but the kissing...she really wouldn't mind the kissing.

Touching? Um...maybe? She felt a bit squirmy. She'd stick to unsure for that.

But.... She thought back to the book she'd found what felt like forever ago. Tried to think of any other descriptions she'd heard since then....

Yikes. Yikes. Definitely not. She wanted to roll off her bed and hide under it and never talk to anyone again.

But maybe she just wasn't comfortable with it yet. Maybe one day-

Apple walked in singing a cheerful song and Raven jumped, nearly falling off her bed for real.

“Oh, Raven! I didn't know you would be back here already!” Apple practically skipped over to her bed and delicately perched herself on it. “Are you okay? You look startled.”

“I'm-I'm fine, Apple. Really.”

Apple didn't quite look convinced. “Well if there's anything I can do to help, don't worry in the slightest about asking.” She stood up, probably to start her nighttime routine. “Though you know Raven-”

“I'm not signing, Apple.”

Apple went on to pick out her nightclothes with nothing more than a sigh and a pout, but Raven was still thinking. Maybe the answer to her problem wasn't a lack of feelings, but a misplacement. Maybe she just liked girls? When she thought about it, it wasn't like she'd never felt that weird, hyperaware, I-want-to-hold-your-hand thing about Apple.

And Apple, again, would never go for anything of the type so any feelings Raven might have didn't matter. So she might as well use Apple as an example, so to speak.

After the door to the bathroom had clicked shut, Raven considered the idea of kissing Apple. Okay. She thought about touching, and being touched. Still undecided. She imagined her and Apple—

Nooooooooooope. No no no no.

She may have wanted to kiss Dexter, but her feelings didn't seem to go much further than that.

She flopped back on her bed. She'd just have to keep looking for another answer.

 

…

 

Things were fairly uneventful until True Hearts Day was on the horizon.

Or things relating to a particular problem were uneventful. Not that she was purposely ignoring it. Not at all. She just had so much more to worry about and this wasn't pressing, so it got put on the back burner again. Which worked, because when she said she had too many other things going on,

She really, really meant it.

But True Hearts Day was yet another complication. Because the day before True Hearts Day someone left a love letter on her locker. Like a real, true, I-think-you're-amazing-and-I-have-feelings-for-you love letter. She was floored just by that. She'd never really imagined that anyone would actually feel anything of the sort about her for real.

But even more unbelievably, it was signed D. Charming.

D.

_Charming._

So she panicked. She panicked, and Daring walked by, and oh boy, she couldn't believe Daring would ever write her something like this! Really.

Well, she didn't know Daring. Not really. He could have written it. Or Darling, for that matter. But Darling never stepped a toe out of line, and while off script romance was a big deal, off script _same sex_ romance was pretty much unheard of. Raven wouldn't drag anyone into that without undoubtedly knowing they wanted it. 

So, Daring. Daring was easy to say no to. Daring she could let down easy and then go right back to not thinking about things.

(Dexter, she might say yes to. And if she said yes she'd probably have to have a very painful conversation with him. And at this point, he was someone who she didn't want to watch walk away for good.)

So she talked to Daring about it. And unfortunately Daring said no, it wasn't from him, which meant it was either Darling or...

Dexter, staring off into space looking dejected.

.....

Maybe she should go talk to Darling.

While she looked for the youngest Charming, a traitorous part of Raven asked herself why this was bad. If Dexter wrote the letter for her, if he really did want this, then why in the world was this a bad idea? Her fingers twitched. Dexter was so understanding about everything else, and maybe things could change. Hunter and Ashlynn had just gone public with their relationship, even if they had broken up almost immediately after. But that didn't have to be them, right?

And maybe with everything else...maybe she could figure it out. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. They could take things slow, or whatever it was people said. That would buy her some time.

She couldn't find Darling anywhere anyway, and when she asked Maddie and Maddie hadn't seen Darling either, she decided to just come clean. She didn't think Darling had written the poem.

And now it was time to talk to Dexter about it.

Maybe? It was probably still a bad idea. There were so many things that could go wrong. But looking at Maddie, trying to think of a reason why she wasn't going to do anything about this, everything suddenly seemed so silly. She grabbed Maddie's hand and started leading her back over to where she'd seen Dexter, confessions of what she thought of the middle Charming spilling out of her mouth unbidden with every step.

But then there was just disappointment. There was Dexter, holding hands and gazing into the eyes of C.A. Cupid. Cupid, who was probably a better choice than her in, well. So many different ways.

Raven's bubble burst, and she felt like something inside her had come crashing down.

 

…

 

In the wake of the disaster that had been True Hearts Day, Raven told herself several things.

One, this wasn't a missed opportunity. It was a dodged bullet. There really was no telling that this would have led to anything other than pain and stress and eventual betrayal. Why had she forgotten that there was no room for anything like dating with her life?

Two, Dexter had no reason to get caught up with her anyway. Cupid was amazing, and nice, and everything he deserved. If both of them were happy, so was she.

Three, and most importantly, Maddie. Raven already had amazing people in her life, and it was impossible to forget why she was best friends with Maddie when she could hardly dance through laughing at Maddie's antics, failing miserably at doing anything other than doubling over and forgetting all of her problems.

She didn't need anything else. She'd be okay.

There was nothing to do other than move on.

 

…

 

Moving on was still easier said than done, especially when she shared so many classes with Dexter.

Grimmnastics was surprisingly easy since Raven mostly stuck with Maddie and Cedar anyway, while she knew Dexter was worried about Daring or any of the other Royals sensing something amiss. And even though she felt like she'd been relegated to perpetual background singer she always put a lot of effort into Muse-ic Class, so ignoring him there wasn't a problem either, so long as she arrived seconds before the bell and left the minute class was over.

The problem was Chemythstry. There were only a handful of people Raven ever talked to on a regular basis in their period, and two of them were Dexter and Cupid themselves.

And no matter what she did, it seemed like she still never failed to run into Dexter at some point every day. She ended up picking her seat every class based on where she could stare longingly out the window without catching his eye.

But what was even worse than accidentally bumping into Dexter, was the less accidental (though _definitely_ not from her side) interaction with Sparrow Hood. Sparrow had somehow decided that Raven was his best bet at not failing the class while still not doing any of the work, and had attached himself to her like a leech. Every day he plopped himself into the seat next to her, and every time they had a partnered project he slid his stool closer to hers as if Professor Rumpelstiltskin wasn't already far too lazy to be creative with partner assignment.

And this was how one day after the bell rang, Raven was barreled over by Sparrow in his rush to be the first one out of the room. And how Dexter Charming, of course, happened to be the person closest to her, coupled with damsel-saving instincts that had been drilled into him over the course of a lifetime. So it wasn't a surprise when he caught her and steadied her and asked if she was alright.

The surprise was when his hand brushed against her waist, and her whole body flinched as if she'd been physically hurt.

His hands went up immediately, away from the offending area, and she hated the shocked and scared look on his face. He hadn't done anything wrong, she knew he hadn't. But there was still the echo of an awful sensation emanating from where his hand had settled, and there was nothing she could think of to explain it.

She was out the door before Dexter could finish asking if she was okay. She didn't know what to tell him anyway.

 

…

 

Apple was very clear about loving having Raven for a roommate. And even though Apple could be a bit overbearing at times, Raven enjoyed rooming with Apple far more than she'd thought she would at the beginning of the year.

But sometimes Apple liked to have sleepovers in their room, and every time she did Raven had to narrowly dodge being roped into spending the night with several Royal girls with more than a few strong opinions about her. So to help keep the peace (and spare her sanity), she settled into a routine of taking Apple's warnings and grabbing everything she would need to stay with Maddie, or Cedar and Cerise, far in advance.

But today was of course the day that she had the misfortune of completely forgetting and walking into her room to find that Briar and Ashlynn had already set up camp when all she wanted to do was flop onto her bed and forget what had happened in the Chemythstry lab earlier.

She nearly ran into Ashlynn on her way out of the room. “Oh, hi Raven,” Ashlynn said. “Apple's still at the Debate Club meeting. I'm just popping out for some snacks. Do you want anything?”

“No thanks.” Raven shook her head. “I'm just going to grab some stuff so I can crash with Maddie. See you later, though.”

Ashlynn nodded and left, leaving her alone with Briar. She returned Briar's polite smile but didn't waste time heading for her closet. Briar hadn't said anything against Raven's rebellion since the whole Thronecoming ordeal, but it still seemed like there was something uncomfortable between them that they'd never addressed, and Raven wasn't even quite sure what it was.

She started stuffing her clothes into a bag while Briar watched, feeling self conscious but not knowing what to say. Finally, Briar broke the silence.

“You seem stressed.” It was said casually, but Raven could tell Briar was looking for a real answer. She laughed.

“Welcome to my life. I'm not even sure what not stressed feels like anymore.”

She expected Briar to laugh or follow up with a witty comeback, but Briar remained serious. “It's not just like, normal stress though.” She stood up from Apple's bed and came closer, but didn't cross into Raven's side of the room. “You seem really tense, like you're going to explode or something. And _not_ in a good way.”

“I'm fine. I'm just-” Raven stopped. She set her things down on her bed and turned around to face Briar. She sighed. “Can I ask you something?”

Briar shrugged. “Yeah, go ahead.”

Raven paused for a moment, but decided to keep going. “Do you ever...I mean-” She rubbed her arm and looked down at her feet. “Is it weird if someone touches you and it's almost like it...hurts?” Briar looked alarmed for a moment, but Raven hurried to correct herself. “Like someone touching your waist.”

With every millisecond that Briar stood there thinking, Raven's heart sank lower. “Do you mean like someone grabbing you?” she asked. “'Cause I guess if they're rough then it can definitely-”

Raven shook her head. “No, light touching.” She walked over to Briar. “Like...” She hesitated, and then gestured for Briar's hand, guiding it to the offending spot. As expected, as soon as she applied pressure Raven involuntarily cringed away.

“Whoa,” Briar said. She waved her hands around Raven's torso. “Can I...?”

Raven nodded and Briar proceeded to test different areas and different kinds of pressure, pausing every so often as if she was taking mental notes.

“You're like, super tense.” She looked up at Raven's face. “And it hurts?”

Raven shrugged. “Only some of it. And I don't know about hurts exactly, it's just.... I don't know, it's uncomfortable.”

Briar let her hands drop, taking a step back, and Raven let out a sigh of relief. “I don't really know anything about this. Did it just start happening?”

“I don't know,” Raven answered. “No one really touches me like that. I'm only used to hugging, really, and I've never had a problem with that.”

“What happened? Who...?” Raven crossed her arms and her shoulders hunched inwards, and Briar must have been able to tell that she didn't want to talk about it. “Nevermind.”

The silence turned even more awkward than before. Raven decided it was probably time to bow out.

“I'm going to, um,” She gestured behind her at her half packed bag. “Thanks, though. And could you maybe not...say anything about this to anyone?”

Briar nodded. “Sure, of course.” She hesitated. “If you ever need anything....”

Raven gave her a wry smile. “Like bungee jumping? I'll pass for now.”

Briar laughed, finally seeming to relax into her usual persona. “You don't know what you're missing!”

Raven shook her head good naturedly. “Actually, I think I do.”

 

…

 

That night with Maddie, Raven lay in bed thinking about what had happened earlier. She waited until long after Kitty had started snoring, and then rolled onto her side. “Maddie?”

Maddie's peaceful expression jumped straight into her characteristic grin, and Raven wondered whether she'd actually been asleep in the first place. “Raven!”

Raven momentarily cringed, waiting to hear a break in Kitty's snoring, but it didn't come. She took the opportunity.

“Maddie, I don't know what to do.”

“Well, what do you want to do?”

Raven was taken off guard. Maddie didn't even know what the conversation was about, but she somehow still asked the right questions to throw her off. “I...don't know. I keep having this problem, but I don't know how to talk about it, and I don't want to go to a counselor about it, but I'm scared there's nothing else to do. Maybe I should just keep doing nothing. Maybe it'll just go away.”

“Do you want it to go away?”

Raven blinked. Did she?

Maddie lay there looking at her, face open and accepting, but Raven didn't know what to say. She'd never thought about it before. Eventually Maddie reached up and patted Raven's head comfortingly. “It's okay.”

“I'm not sure it is,” Raven whispered.

Maddie scooted forward, wrapping an arm around her. Raven braced herself, but it was still just the same Maddie hug as always. She suddenly felt a bit warmer, and a bit more sure of Maddie's words.

Maddie finally pulled back, and Raven figured that was the end of the conversation. But instead she found herself asking another question. “Is it terrible if maybe I was a bit jealous of Cupid?”

Maddie nodded enthusiastically. “Of course it's okay!” She must have noticed Raven's skeptical face even in the dark, because it only took her a moment to elaborate. “Raven, you aren't evil for being jealous. Now if you strapped Cupid up by the ankles and made her tap dance on clam shells, then _that_ would be bad. If you ask me, and you are asking me thank you very much, being jealous doesn't mean you're going to be mean about it.” She nodded again.

“I guess,” Raven said. “I still just feel like I shouldn't even like Dexter in the first place, you know?”

“Shouldn't sounds like a lot of not fun,” Maddie said.

Raven laughed despite herself, quickly covering her mouth with her hand when she remembered she was trying to be quiet. “I guess it does.”

Raven turned over onto her back, and before she could think better of it opened her mouth yet again. “Maddie, do you like anyone?”

She could hear Maddie blow a piece of hair out of her face. “Of course I do! I like everyone, though I suppose I don't always feel like I like everyone, as sometimes everyone doesn't always do things I think are very nice.”

They both listened to Kitty breathe for a moment. “Some people though are always very nice, and are very brave, and always tries to figure out what I say. Some people have a very nice laugh.” Another pause. “I'm not sure some people also likes me though.”

Raven faced Maddie, and she hoped that this time Maddie could definitely see the smile on her face. “Maddie, it's impossible to not like you.”

Maddie giggled. “Thank you very much I feel the same about you.”

And as they drifted off into silence and then sleep, Raven knew that nothing had really changed, but she still felt a bit more hopeful, and a bit happier for having the fortune of being Maddie's friend.

 

…

 

Saturday and most of Sunday passed in a blur. Maddie had decided that Saturday should be their fun day, and so they'd grabbed Cedar and Cerise and spent most of the day hanging out in Book End, eventually heading back to the dorms to rope whoever they could into playing board games with the Wonderlandian rules. Raven was pretty sure she'd never laughed harder in her life.

Sunday was another story though. Getting through her mountain of thronework had eventually turned into lying on her bed thinking about her life, which had turned into lying on the floor thinking about her life. It was at that point she figured it was time to get out of her room.

Without much deliberation Raven headed for the library and started wandering, running her fingers over the spines of books as she passed in an effort to keep her mind on what they said. She was somewhere on the third floor (far away from the step-librarians, thank goodness) when she finally gave up and sat on the floor with her back to a bookcase, staring out the wall of windows at the scenery below.

She was sick of thinking, sick of feeling like this, sick of-

“Oh, Raven! I didn't see you there.”

She craned her neck up, and sure enough there was Dexter Charming, one of the last people she wanted to see right now, looking like he was having trouble regaining his balance after almost tripping over her.

“Sorry, I'm just, um...” She tried to think of something to tell him. “Sitting here.”

He nodded. “Yeah, of course! It's a,” he gestured towards the sky in front of them, “it's a great view.”

They lapsed into an uneasy silence, and Raven bit the inside of her lip at the nervous look on Dexter's face.

“Don't worry about-”

“I'm sorry about-”

Raven clicked her mouth shut the same time he did, and there was more weird library silence.

“Don't worry about what happened the other day,” Raven finally said. “I'm sorry for, you know. It wasn't your fault. You shouldn't feel bad about it.”

Dexter hesitated for a second, then knelt down on the floor next to her. “I should be the one apologizing, Raven. I hurt you-”

“I don't know that I would say hurt,” Raven interrupted. “Though...I don't know what I would say.” She started picking at loose fibers in the carpet, but she was still completely aware when he shifted into a more comfortable position.

“Raven...what happened?” he asked. She looked up into his eyes but immediately regretted it. He made her feel like she was laid bare, but it was the opposite of uncomfortable. She _wanted_ to tell him everything, wanted him to know the things inside of her and still smile at her like everything was okay and always had been. She _wanted_ more than she knew the reasons she shouldn't.

“I...” She flattened her hand against the floor to stem the feeling surging through it, swallowing it down but ultimately unable to stop something else from spilling from her mouth. “I think there's something wrong with me.”

A horrible feeling like ice and the weight of a thousand suns spread through her entire body, and the concern on Dexter's face deepening into worry made her want to lie down and melt through the floor. She wished more than anything that that moment could be erased from time forever. Maybe she could backtrack before he-

“What do you mean?”

Nevermind. She pulled her legs up to hug them, curling inwards. She shrugged.

“How long...how long have you felt like this?”

She shrugged again. “It's like....” Her eyes fixed on a bird in the distance, swooping through the air. “Do you ever just think that your life would be so much better if you weren't you? If you could....” She took a deep breath and lowered her head to rest on her knees.

“It's like I can't escape my mom,” she whispered. “Like I try not to be like her, I try so hard but there's something _missing_ and I can't escape it.” She wanted to wipe her eyes, but she didn't want him to see. She stayed as she was. “And it's not the same, I know that, but what if this is a sign? What if I can't fix this? What if...”

Raven looked up at his face again. The expression hadn't changed much.

“What if I'm stuck destined to be alone and...and loveless, forever?”

An awful relief leeched inside her and sat in her chest. She hated herself for saying all of this, hated herself for crying in front of Dexter, but there was a part of her that went _oh, that's what that is._ She sort of wished that it had been a private revelation, but there was a voice in the back of her head that said that she was glad she wasn't alone, she was glad there was someone else here to hold this and figure out what to do with it.

But he still hadn't said anything. He'd opened his mouth a few times, but nothing had come out yet. She decided to spare him the effort.

“Sorry,” she said. “I'm sorry I said all of that, I'm just...”

Dexter interrupted her before she could say anything else. “No, wait, you're not-” He sucked in a breath. “Raven, I-”

He reached for one of her hands, cautiously, pausing before he made contact and asking for permission with his eyes. When she offered it to him he took it gently in both of his. He looked down at them as he collected his thoughts.

“I don't know what's wrong, Raven.” His eyes met hers again. “But I know it's not you.”

She would have offered a rebuttal but she wasn't even sure she was able to breathe. He continued anyway.

“I'm...I'm so glad you're you. You're amazing, and everyone looks up to you, and you've changed everything—you've made it better—just by being you.” He swallowed. “You could never be like your mom.”

That was too much for her to let him say, as much as she wanted him to be right. “That's not true.”

“It is.” He held her hand a bit tighter. “Raven, you chose not to be like her and that says everything about you. I-” He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. “I'm so proud that I get to be your friend. I don't think you'll ever be alone as long as you live. I _promise_.”

His words hung in the air between them, and she wasn't sure if she could believe him or not, but _oh_ , she wanted to.

“There's nothing wrong with you, Raven. I'm sure of it.”

She turned her hand so she could hold one of his back. He looked so serious, so unbelievably sincere that something deep within her finally relaxed, just a bit.

Even if she couldn't believe him, Dexter believed in _her_.

She wanted to fall into him, to wrap her arms around him and stay there where everything was okay, where everything would be okay.

But she couldn't.

Raven pulled her hand away and used it to finally wipe at her face. She tried to laugh, but could only manage a rough exhale. “I bet you're doing really well in Advanced Wooing these days,” she said, and inwardly cringed. That was the worst possible thing that could come out of her mouth.

“Hah, uh, not really,” Dexter said with a shrug. “Just as bad as ever.”

Raven stretched her arms out on top of her knees, focusing on that instead of his face. “At least you're partners with Cupid though. That must be nice.”

He sounded puzzled. “I guess? I like hanging out with her, but it's just, you know,” he shrugged out of the corner of her eye, “it's usually pretty awkward.”

Raven turned to look at him, brow furrowed.

“With the wooing, and all,” he continued. “Since we're friends...and it's...weird......”

Raven opened her mouth and let it hang there for a second. “I thought you two were dating.”

Dexter looked much more surprised than she thought he should be. “Wait, what? No, we're not- Why- Why did you think that?”

It was Raven's turn to feel awkward. “You two just...hang out all the time, and I saw you together at the True Hearts Day dance, and Cupid really seems to like you, so I thought....”

Dexter looked so confused, she almost felt bad about thinking it was cute. He shook his head. “We're just friends, Cupid doesn't....” His eyes suddenly widened. “ _Shit._ ”

Raven blinked. She hadn't expected that reaction.

“Wait, I mean- Shit!” He covered his mouth with his hands. “Pretend I didn't say that.”

Raven laughed, a real laugh, despite everything. “Don't worry, I won't say anything.” She looked back out the window. The sun had started to set as they talked, streaking everything red and gold and pink. “You know, I thought Charmings weren't supposed to swear.”

He sent her a sheepish smile. “Which is why my parents don't know.”

She smiled back. “You really are stuck in the middle of things, aren't you?” she asked.

He laughed. “You don't know the half of it.”

Silence filled the space between them again, but Raven didn't mind. Despite the growing emotional fatigue, her mind raced. She'd been wrong about him and Cupid, but she didn't know that she regretted thinking they were together. The more she thought about it, the more sure she was that asking him about the poem on her locker back then would have been disastrous. She hadn't been ready for that conversation then, even though she'd wanted to have it.

She glanced at Dexter, who was gazing out the window at the sunset, deep in thought. She could ask him about it now if she wanted to, but she still didn't know that it was the time for that.

But now...

She looked down at his hand sitting between them. She set her hand on the floor next to it, pinky fingers overlapping.

Maybe one day soon it could happen. Her hope terrified her, but she held onto it with everything she had.

 

…

 

Later that week Raven suddenly and unexpectedly found herself partnered with Dexter in Chemythstry. It kind of seemed like something had happened between him and Cupid, because she couldn't think of another reason why Cupid would willingly switch partners to be with Sparrow. That was no easy feat.

Surprisingly though, things between her and Dexter weren't nearly as awkward as she would have thought. Don't get her wrong, it was a class filled with uncomfortable smiles and hidden grimaces, but she'd dealt with far worse situations. This was a piece of cake really.

So the conversation stayed on the assigned potion, they did nothing but dance (or awkwardly shuffle) around each other, and it was only an agonizing hour before the bell rang. They each gave a halfhearted wave before parting ways, ready for things to go back to normal the next day.

But walking into class late (after a painful conversation with Headmaster Grimm, _ugh_ ), Raven found Cupid already hard at work ignoring Sparrow, while Dexter stared at the instructions for the day's assignment by himself, eyes squinted and muttering to himself. She took the seat next to him.

“Hi,” she said.

Dexter turned, finally noticing her, and it only took a moment for his face to break into a grin. “Hi,” he replied. He glanced down at the sheet in front of him and pushed it closer so she could see it. “I'm really glad you're here, because I have no clue what any of this means.”

Raven's smile melted away as she looked at the directions for herself. They were practically in Riddlish. Knowing Professor Rumpelstiltskin, it was probably intentional.

It was a rough start with much debate over the ingredients and a small acid incident, but once they finally deciphered the instructions things went smoothly. It ended up being a simple procedure that mostly called for extensive simmering (Rumpelstiltskin had probably been counting on no one actually getting that far), which meant that most of the class would just be them, sitting there, with nothing to do. Not talking.

It only took Raven a minute to decide that an attempt at awkward conversation would be better than nothing at all.

“So....” she said. Dexter looked at her, eyes wide, but didn't offer a topic of conversation. She'd have to come up with something on her own. “How's...stuff?”

She looked off into the distance and moaned inwardly. That was very, very smooth.

She was grateful that Dexter replied despite her lack of eloquence. “It's, um, it's good. Probably.” He tried to flatten his hair. It didn't work. “You know how it is.”

“Daring?” she asked.

He shrugged, then seemed to consider for a moment. “Mostly my parents, I guess.”

Raven gave him a sympathetic smile. “High expectations.”

He nodded. “Yeah. I wish- I just wish there was a way I could do what I want without worrying about what they'd say.” He straightened suddenly, glancing behind him as if he had just remembered that they were surrounded by other people. Raven's heart sped up. That was dangerously close to Rebel talk for someone who had spent months not straying from Royal tradition. He looked like he regretted saying anything.

“Sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up,” Raven said.

He shook his head. “Don't worry about it, it's not your fault. Anyway,” his tone said it was time for a subject change, “how are- how are you doing?” He leaned in slightly. “You know, after...?”

Ah. Now they were talking about that.

She tucked her legs under her stool. “Okay, I guess. It's not...” _Fixed._

He gave her a moment but then realized she wasn't going to say anything else. “Yeah. Sorry.”

She quirked an eyebrow at him. “It's not your fault.”

He laughed. “I guess not.”

Raven was more than ready to move on to safer waters, but Dexter was staring at the ground weirdly. She decided on impulse to humor him.

“What is it?”

“Hmm?” he responded, eyes meeting hers. She sighed.

“What else did you want to say?” She gave him a knowing smile.

“It's nothing,” he lied.

She nudged his leg with her foot. “Come on.” Raven wasn't proud of it, but she knew how to make him talk. She stared him down, her smile still sitting crookedly on her face.

Dexter broke away his gaze with a deep exhale. “Fine, I-” He turned back to her with a sigh. “I still feel bad about the other day. With the-” He gestured towards her middle.

Raven opened her mouth. She closed it. “Oh.”

“Don't tell me it was fine,” he said, “because it wasn't. I-”

She interrupted him. “It is though. It's really not your fault.”

He raised an eyebrow, but his expression was still self-deprecating. “Don't you think we've overused that for today?”

“Not when it's true.”

She took a deep breath and glanced towards the table in front of them. Her eyes fixed on the potion, still bubbling away. “You didn't know. _I_ didn't know.” She looked back at him to find him staring at his hands like he could find answers there. She reached out, pausing for a moment, and set her hand on his arm. “I'm still figuring things out, but it's still my body. And I'm telling you,” she waited for him to look at her before finishing, “It's okay.”

Dexter's eyes bored into her, unwavering. “I'm still sorry.”

She managed another smile. “It's still okay.” She rubbed her thumb against his arm, taking note of how the fabric of his jacket felt under it. “Next time, just aim for somewhere else if you can.”

The corners of his mouth twitched. “Do you plan on getting run over by Sparrow again?”

Raven laughed. “Not really, but it never hurts to be prepared, right?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

They sat in silence for the rest of the time it took for the potion to simmer, which wasn't much. The bell rang just as they turned in their work, and after grabbing their stuff they walked out, both of them lingering in the hallway.

“So, um, see you later?” Dexter asked.

“Yeah.” Raven hesitated, biting her lip and looking up at him before deciding to follow her impulse. She dropped her bag and stepped forward, wrapping her arms around him. It was difficult to navigate around the backpack that was slung over his shoulder but she worked her way around it, leaning into him and resting her head against his chest.

It only took him a second to relax into it, but his hands remained hovering above her. “I, uh-”

“Try my back,” she murmured. “Or my arms.” She held her breath.

After another moment she felt Dexter's hands settle on her back. When she didn't flinch, they both breathed a sigh of relief. He gave her a small squeeze. Raven squeezed back and stepped out of the hug, but Dexter didn't let go, instead letting his hands linger on her forearms.

Her heart jumped, but in a good way. She swallowed.

“Later?” she asked.

He smiled at her, eyes lit up and making her heart feel like it was glowing. “Later.”

 

…

 

When she got back to her room that night, Apple was sitting facing the door, trying to pretend that she was reading and Definitely Not Waiting To Talk To Raven. Her eyes popped up the second the door clicked shut.

“Oh, hello, Raven,” Apple said pleasantly, slipping her book shut and setting it down next to her. “Fancy seeing you here.”

Raven sighed. “Apple, this is my room.”

“Of course, of course.” Apple followed her over to her half of the dorm, wincing as Raven dropped her bag in the middle of the floor. Raven spun and sat on her bed.

“What's up?”

Apple took a deep breath and set a smile on her face. “Raven, I'm a bit worried about you.”

That worried Raven. Usually Apple's worrying remained in the realm of her rebellion, but with everything that had been going on recently there were other things she wanted to discuss even less. She picked at a loose thread on her duvet. “What are...what are you worried about?”

Apple sat down on the bed next to her. “Raven, is it true that you like Dexter Charming?”

“ _What?!_ ” Raven wasn't sure if this was better or worse than she'd feared. “What makes you think that?”

“Ashlynn _and_ Holly said you two have been spending a lot of time together.” Apple said it as if it was all the evidence she needed, but Raven was ready to call bullshit. Apple had nothing except a hunch and willpower. And while she appreciated Apple's determination and good intentions, she wasn't ready to join Apple's slumber party club and tell her all about what crushes she may or may not have.

“Ashlynn and Holly are wrong then,” Raven said. “Being lab partners doesn't count as having feelings for someone.”

“Well, they're not the only ones. Blondie asked me if I knew anything about it...”

 _Ah._ That explained things.

“...And I was talking to Daring about you and Dexter, and-”

“Wait, Daring? What did he say?”

Apple gave her a Look. Daring hadn't said anything.

Shit. She was caught.

Raven flopped back on her bed and groaned. “Ugh, why do you want to know anyway, Apple?”

Apple set her hand on Raven's knee, giving her a moment to tense and relax with the contact. “Like I said, I'm worried about you.”

“It's just a crush, Apple,” Raven said. “No one dies from a crush.”

Apple gave her a pained expression. “They might if they don't follow their destiny. And he could hurt you.”

Raven snorted out a laugh. “Dexter's not going to hurt me.” She raised herself up on her elbow to look at Apple. “We're not even dating.”

“But you want to be?” Apple asked. Raven didn't answer.

“Raven,” Apple started, “I'm not going to tell you to sign again,” Raven snorted, “but I am going to ask you to at least consider what happens when Dexter signs.”

“What makes you think he'll sign?” The words were out before she had even processed them. Even without Apple's reaction, she knew it was a silly thing to say.

Dexter was a _Charming_. Even if he was questioning his destiny (which she didn't know for sure), even if he supported her, _even if he did like her back,_ assuming that he would reject his whole future and everything he had come from just to be with her was a ridiculous, lovestruck notion.

And even if he did decide to date her, it would never last. He deserved more than her.

“You're right,” Raven murmured. She laid back down. Shook her head. “This is ridiculous. Dexter would never actually want to be with me.”

“I am and-” Apple stopped. “Wait, what did you say?”

She looked Apple in the eye. “You're right. It would never work out. Dexter would never want to date me. No one would want to date me.”

Apple started shaking her head. She shook it harder, curls flying around her face. “That's ridiculous, Raven. Anyone would be lucky to date you. Even if you are supposed to be the next Evil Queen. You're wonderful and amazing and-"

“That doesn't mean anything, Apple.” She sighed. “I'm not girlfriend material. I probably won't ever be.”

Apple was quiet, then leaned forward to put her hand over Raven's. “Whatever makes you think that?”

Raven stared up at the ceiling, thoughts swirling. There were lots of things she could say to appease Apple. But she was so tired. She took a breath. In, and out.

“I don't want to have sex.”

She let her words settle before looking to Apple. “With anyone.”

Her heart pounded. She was sure Apple could feel her pulse racing through the veins in her hand. Apple sat exactly still, only her eyes and her perfect red lips showing her surprise. Raven's breathing started coming harder. She briefly wished she could open the window and fly out into the darkness.

Apple leaned back. “Oh,” she said.

“Okay,” Raven said. She launched herself off the bed and walked over to her desk. She ran her fingers over the sheet music she had left lying out. She took another breath and whispered to herself. “Okay.”

“Raven.” The bed creaked softly as Apple stood up and came closer. Raven didn't turn around.

“What makes you think no one would date you?”

Raven froze. “People want sex, Apple. Have you ever listened to anyone talk about relationships? Have you ever read a romance novel? It's perfectly normal. I'm not.”

She felt Apple's hand on her shoulder, gently urging her to turn and face her. She looked at Apple's feet.

Apple took Raven's hands in her own. “People may want sex, but that doesn't mean that's all they want.” She ducked her head to try and catch Raven's eye. “It doesn't mean they wouldn't be willing to give it up for someone they love.”

“No one should have to do that, though,” Raven said.

Apple smiled at her. “But what if they want to?” She sighed, her smile falling ever so slightly. “What if Dexter wants to?”

Raven wrinkled her brow. “I thought you were warning me off Dexter.”

Apple gave a very deep, very put upon sigh. “I can't say that I think it's a good idea,” she paused. “But you're one of my very best friends, Raven. I can't let you give up because you think you aren't good enough for him.”

Apple took a miniscule step closer and looked deeply into Raven's eyes. Raven briefly wondered whether she should be afraid. “You're more than good enough for anyone in all of the realms, Raven. If Dexter Charming thinks that you need to have sex with him to be in a relationship,” her eyes glinted, and there was steel in her voice, “then Dexter Charming is the one who isn't good enough for you.”

Raven stared at Apple, mouth open. “Apple, I-”

Apple wouldn't let her finish. “Raven, if you want to date him, then talk to him. Figure it out.” She finally let their hands fall, then stepped forward and enveloped Raven in a warm hug. “You deserve to be happy, even if it's only for a little while.”

Raven hugged her back, tightly. “Thank you, Apple.”

Apple's laugh rang through Raven's head like a song. “Don't mention it.”

 

…

 

Raven thought about what Apple said. A lot. She spent the next week and a half of classes staring out windows, remembering what telling her was like, savoring the feeling of having someone who actually knew, someone who didn't think she was a complete freak.

She spent the next week and a half thinking about asking Dexter out.

Now that they were working together nearly every day in class, Raven felt like she was about to get a bad case of whiplash. One minute their hands would touch, her stomach would swoop, and she had to fight the words down right then and there. And then he'd turn to something else and dread would fill her mind, weighing down on her chest and making it difficult to answer even the simplest of questions.

No matter what Apple had said, it was still hard. If Dexter reacted badly it wouldn't be the end of the world, she knew that. But that didn't make putting her heart on the line any easier. It didn't make her heart ache any less when she caught his goofy grin across the court in Grimmnastics, smiling at her like he didn't care that at any moment someone else could see them, plain as day.

Godmother, she wanted to be with him.

She missed the feeling of hugging him. She wanted to hold his hand again, wanted to press her arm against his and lean her head on his shoulder, smiling and laughing and feeling like nothing could ever be wrong again.

But she was still scared. She wanted, but she still didn't know whether it was a good idea.

And then, out of the blue, he called her. He asked her out on a date with him. And she said yes.

Ironically, she didn't think about it until after he hung up.

 

…

 

Panic was the word of the hour. Raven had spent months worrying about even the possibility of a day like today, and had spent most of that time telling herself what a bad idea it would be. But now she had only _hours_ before her date with Dexter, and she had half a mind to call him back and cancel before things could get any worse.

But no. Maddie. She needed to talk to Maddie.

Maddie was very excited by the news, declaring that they have a tea party to celebrate. While Raven was grateful for the enthusiasm and support (and was now able to firmly swallow down the desire to back away from this disaster before it could happen), she couldn't focus. All she could think about was how much she didn't know about dating. She'd never hated the idea of it, but it had always seemed like such a far away thing that she'd never made an effort to learn the ins and outs of it. She was way out of her depth. She needed help.

She didn't know a lot of people who were used to dating though. At least, no one who she would trust to not blow the whole thing out of proportion and have the story halfway across Book End before Dexter even came to pick her up. There was Apple, but Raven hesitated to ask her. Apple had already given her solid advice, and advice that had gone against her reasoning. She didn't want to put her in an uncomfortable position if she didn't have to.

But...the more she thought about it, the more Raven was sure that there was a very low chance that no one would find out about a Charming of all people asking out the Rebel leader herself. In all likelihood the only thing to do was to prepare for it, or maybe even....

When Maddie suggested asking Blondie for advice on how to make everything Just Right, Raven decided to go with it. If there was no avoiding it, she might as well have some control over how the story would break.

The only problem was that Blondie simply wasn't interested at all. She agreed to meet with Raven, she gave her, well, what was _technically_ advice, but Blondie was uncharacteristically totally out of it. The most helpful thing Raven received from the experience was a cupcake.

By the time Raven got back to her dorm, she was more than ready to give up and ask Apple for advice, but all Apple did was hug her and tell her it would be fine before sending her off to change. While she got ready her MirrorPhone buzzed intermittently, the hexts of support from her friends sending calming waves down her frayed nerves. They didn't last long though.

By the time Dexter knocked on the door, Raven was a mess.

 

…

 

The date started out a mess. She ruined the flowers Dexter brought her (he brought her flowers!!!), the conversation on the way to the theater was a disaster, the conversation _at_ the theater was a disaster, and the only consolation was that there was about to be a whole hour and a half where they wouldn't have to talk at all. But that wasn't the worst part. Of course with her luck she lost control (mostly lost control) of her powers, and froze everyone in time except the two of them.

And so she decided it was time for honesty. She told him she was nervous. She was about to tell him why she was nervous....

But thankfully he interrupted in the nick of time, confessing similar feelings of his own.

And Raven thought, well at least they had _something_ in common. And thinking that was ridiculous, because of course they had stuff in common. That was why they had agreed to be there. If nothing else, they both wanted to be on this date. And maybe that wasn't a lot in the grand scheme of things, but it was enough for now. Raven decided that just for one night she could let go of the rest of her worries, and instead focus on having fun. Right here, right now. Even if it was all she got.

The rest of the world could wait.

 

…

 

As it turned out, the rest of the world could only wait until the end of the movie.

As soon as Raven walked into the lobby with Dexter, still holding hands and giving each other shy smiles, Cedar and Cerise rushed inside and made a beeline for them.

Raven knew they were her friends and they wouldn't think anything of finding her and Dexter like this, but she still instinctively dropped his hand.

Less than two hours later, her date had been interrupted by no less than six different people, she had been in a living house/office/hut thing that had crashed two times with her in it (only one of those was her fault), and she had finally found herself standing in the middle of the most hexclusive party of the year. This definitely wasn't how she had expected her night to go.

Dexter was all the way across the dance floor, having some sort of conversation with Blondie. It seemed like their date was definitely over, which wasn't surprising. She didn't blame him though. It was a minefield of classmates and cameras, which weren't exactly friendly to the concept of quietly dating. Was this even any sort of extended dating? Were they in a relationship now? She had no idea.

She was trying to find Cedar to hang out with her for the rest of the Forest Fest when someone tapped her on the shoulder. She spun around.

“Dexter? Hey, I was just-”

“Sorry, I-”

They both stopped mid sentence. Dexter opened his mouth, but instead of saying anything he gently pulled her over to where the music was less pounding. He gestured for her to go first.

“I was just looking for Cedar,” Raven said. Dexter looked surprised. “You know, just cause, I thought....” She trailed off, wincing as she twirled a strand of hair around her finger a bit too tight. “Sorry things got cut short.”

Dexter looked...something that she couldn't quite put her finger on. “Yeah, no, it's fine. It's fine, you can do whatever you want. I'll just-” He waved behind him.

Raven bit the inside of her lip. “Did you want to...do something?”

He shrugged nervously, shoulders rising past his chin. “If you want to?”

Raven suddenly had a vague sense of deja vu. “I thought you wouldn't want to,” he furrowed his brow at her, “'cause, you know, everyone's here. Blondie's here.” She gestured in the appropriate direction, where Blondie was in fact filming, dancing, and interviewing, all at the same time.

“Yeah, I just told her I couldn't help her film tonight.”

Raven was touched, but something else niggled at the back of her mind. Blondie had been invited to the Forest Fest as press from the beginning, and she'd had a plus one ticket as well. Poppy had been her plus one on account of her styling skills, but Blondie was so meticulous about her appearance that she hardly needed help keeping her hair in place. Having a cameraman around would have been a much smarter choice. And Raven might not always agree with Blondie's reporting methods, but she knew Blondie was smart, and good at her job. Something didn't add up.

“Hey, why didn't Blondie ask you to be her plus one tonight?”

Dexter gave a nervous laugh. “She, uh, she did? I said no.”

Raven gave him a questioning look, but he continued before she could ask. “I had other things I wanted to do.”

Realization slowly dawned, and a crooked smile spread over Raven's face. “You planned this.”

Dexter shrugged, but his own smile confirmed it. “She was so swamped with the cupcake episode and the Forest Fest stuff that she kept missing obvious stories. I feel sort of bad about not helping, but,” he raised his hand to fix his hair, but seemed to think better of it. “I figured it was the perfect opportunity.”

“To ask me out?” Raven asked.

He nodded. “Yeah. We probably don't have to worry about Blondie until Monday at least.”

Raven looked around them. There was Apple, there was Briar and Melody, Ashlynn, Hunter, Poppy, Cupid, _Baba Yaga_....

She sighed. “Even if Blondie's distracted, someone's going to tell the whole school that we're on a date. I don't want you to get into trouble because of me.”

Raven expected him to agree, but Dexter just kept looking at her. He exhaled. “Everyone's going to find out eventually.” His eyes widened. “I mean, that is if we keep dating. I know we didn't talk about that yet.” He grimaced, closing his eyes for a moment.

He took another breath. “If you want to try and keep it a secret, if we do keep dating, then I will. I definitely will. But if you don't, then honestly....” He shook his head. “I don't think it's worth it. I'd rather spend my time being with you instead of trying to make everyone think I don't care.”

Raven's stomach took a little dip. “What about your dad?”

Dexter paused. “If he doesn't find out I won't argue.” They both laughed. “But...” He looked her deep in the eyes, and suddenly she felt as if he was baring himself to her.

“I think I'm done pretending, Raven.”

Raven took a deep breath. “Wow.”

He nodded, slightly dazed. “Yeah.”

Raven looked at him, and although he looked slightly terrified of the decisions he'd confessed to making, she was sure he was one of the bravest people she knew. It wasn't easy, doing something that would invite ridicule and doubt and saying that it was okay, but he was doing it anyway. He was welcoming it. Raven thought for a moment.

“Okay,” she said. His eyes fixed back on her from where he'd been staring at the dance floor. He adjusted his glasses. “I don't want to hide either, but if your family finds out they could make your life a living hell.”

“Darling and Daring already know,” he said. “We don't have to worry about them.”

“What about your parents?” Raven asked. He grimaced.

“They,” Dexter's face turned apologetic, “they probably won't be happy.”

“Yeah,” she agreed. “So I say we don't keep it a secret exactly,” he nodded, “ _but_ we don't make a big deal out of it either. What happens, happens. We'll figure it out when it does.” She shrugged at the contemplative look he gave her. “It's our business, not theirs.”

The corners of his mouth slowly upturned. “That's true. Let's go with that.”

Dexter kept smiling at her. Raven took a step forward and reached for his hand.

“So, do you want to,” he looked down at their hands, “do you want to hang out?”

Raven giggled. Yeah, it was definitely a giggle. “I'd love to.”

There was no skipping off into the sunset, there were still things she needed to tell him, and although he walked her to her door, the night didn't end with a storybook kiss. But that was alright. It couldn't have been more perfect just the way it was.

 

…

 

Dating Dexter was amazing. It took Raven only a week to figure that out.

He walked with her to class, he made sure she was okay with any and all touching that happened, he made her laugh, and she was so, so happy to have someone who loved and welcomed her every honest thought. And she didn't think she would ever get tired of the fact that he was always just so happy to see her, every day. And although Blondie had indeed quickly jumped on the story, it was much less scathing than Raven had expected. She supposed it wasn't a good idea to get on your cameraman's bad side.

But despite the whispers swirling around the school, it was when Dexter joined her and her friends at lunch one day that her bubble burst.

She had spent the week continually extending the time she had to enjoy things without worrying about any complications, but looking at all of them getting along, wondering whether it could be more perfect, it had suddenly hit her. She hadn't been honest about everything.

She hadn't lied. She'd never lied to Dexter or her friends, but there was still a deep, unsettling feeling in her gut that left a sour taste on every word. She hated it.

She wanted to fix it.

 

…

 

Later that day Raven sat on Cedar's bed, Maddie hanging off the side next of it next to her. Cerise was sitting cross legged on her bed across from them, while Cedar was at her desk, sketching while they talked. Raven picked at the hem of her dress. This was it.

“I have something to tell you guys.”

All three of them must have picked up on the nervousness in her tone, because Cedar immediately set down her work and spun around, while Maddie popped up to mirror Cerise's position. Cerise's hood shifted ever so slightly with the movement of her ears.

“What's up?” Cerise asked.

Raven waited a moment, but she couldn't get her heart to slow down. She swallowed and pressed on anyway. “Well, you know how I'm dating Dexter?”

Cedar and Cerise exchanged glances. Maddie's eyes didn't waver from Raven's face. “Of course,” Cedar said.

“Well, I...I don't...” Raven's mouth went dry and she suddenly felt a bit like she was going to die. “I don't want to....”

She looked at Maddie, still smiling, still supportive. It would be okay.

“I don't want to sleep with him.” Raven took a deep breath. It was done.

“Well, you don't have to, silly billy!” Maddie said. “You don't have to sleep at all, if you don't want to!”

“Wait, Raven,” Raven turned to look at Cedar. “You don't mean like, sleep sleep,” she mimed lying in bed, “you mean...?”

“Sex sleep?” Cerise filled in. She still looked serious more than anything else. It was hard to read.

“Yeah,” Raven answered. “I've never wanted to have sex with anyone. I've never felt like... _that_ at all.” She tried to shrug casually. “I guess I'm just different.”

Cerise suddenly let out a loud, uncontrolled laugh. “You say that like it's a bad thing. Look at us,” she gestured at all four of them. “None of us are normal.”

She regained a more serious facade. “That's nowhere near the most important thing about you, Raven. You're our friend. We'll always support you, no matter what.”

Raven wasn't normally a crier, but she felt something sting at her eye. She swallowed it down.

“You're probably not as different as you think,” Cedar added. Her face creaked into a smile, and Raven had a moment of realization she probably should have had a long time ago. _Oh._

Cedar's expression morphed into one of concern. “You're not afraid that I'll tell everyone though? I'm not sure I can-”

Raven rushed to reassure her. “Don't worry about it. I know. I don't expect you to try and keep it a secret. I mean, I haven't told Dexter, so it'd be nice if you could try to not say anything until he knows, but....”

Raven looked down at her skirt. She gave herself a single nod, raising her chin to look at her friends.

“I'm done hiding,” Raven said. “This is how I am, and I'm done wishing for a different life.”

She let out a breath. It felt like something that had been living inside of her had fled. She was unsure whether it was something good or bad, but it didn't matter. She didn't need it. There were more important things in front of her.

Maddie suddenly hugged her in celebration, pulling back and looking Raven straight in the eyes. “You don't have to sleep at all, if you don't want to.”

It was the same words as before, but now looking into Maddie's eyes, Raven found more understanding than she'd ever thought she'd have. A thought in Raven's head suddenly sparked. Did Maddie...had she already suspected and not said anything? Had she been waiting for Raven to trust her with her secret?

“I didn't know exactly,” Maddie said, much to Raven's puzzlement. “But sometimes you thought some things, and the narrators narrated, and it was hard to ignore that my very best friend was worrying much more than she should be.” She booped Raven on the nose. “No more worrying.”

Raven laughed. She could always count on Maddie. “I'll try not to.”

She turned and caught Cerise smiling at them, teeth showing. She suddenly seemed to have a moment of self consciousness and clapped her mouth shut.

Maddie bounced on the bed slightly. “Cerise, I hope someone has told you that you have a wonder-lif-erous smile.”

Cerise tugged on a piece of her hair. “Not exactly, no.”

“Well, that's a most heinous crime,” Maddie said, very seriously. “You should always be smiling. Or laughing. Or both.”

Raven noticed that Cedar had closed her eyes and covered her ears. Was this....?

She turned to face Maddie. Maddie turned to her with a smile on her face, and nodded. One less secret between them.

Raven glanced over at Cerise, who was still playing with her hair. But her eyes had softened and a barely noticeable smile pulled at her lips. Cedar finally opened her eyes again, and seeing that no one was talking anymore, let her hands fall into her lap. When she saw Raven looking at her she pulled her face into a resigned smile.

Raven knew that the situation they had all been born into wasn't ideal, or even pleasant in many ways. But she hoped, looking around at her friends and feeling so full—so loved—that one day soon things could change for the better. For all of them.

Raven closed her eyes. “I love you all so much.”

And they all said the same.

 

…

 

It was Sunday.

Raven had already finished her thronework for the weekend, she'd made her bed, she'd organized her books and her sheet music.

It was time to find Dexter.

After he hexted that he was in his room, Raven only hesitated for a second. Five minutes later, she was knocking on his door with a somewhat shaking hand.

Dexter smiled as soon as he saw her. “Hey! I wasn't expecting you.”

He let her in, leaving the door open and walking back to his side of the room, picking up a few things off the floor as he went. Hunter wasn't anywhere to be seen, thankfully.

“Is Hunter...?”

“Oh, he's spending the day with Ashlynn. He won't be back until later,” Dexter said. He looked like there was something he wasn't saying, but Raven didn't push.

“Okay,” she said. She closed the door behind her. It was technically against school rules, but she needed privacy for this. Dexter looked slightly alarmed.

“I have to talk to you about something,” Raven said. “It's important.”

Dexter nodded slowly. “Okay. I just need to-” His phone rang, and Raven almost groaned. “Shit.” He looked at the screen. “Shit, it's my mom. Sorry, I have to take this.”

“It's fine,” she assured him. “I'll, um.” She pointed back at the door. He waved her off.

“No, stay. Uh,” he glanced at his MirrorPhone again, then around the room, finally gesturing at his bookshelf. “You can look at something if you want.”

He answered and Raven quickly wandered away, feeling awkward and intruding along with her taut nerves from before. She wasn't sure whether this distraction was a welcome one, but there was nothing to do about it. She turned to Dexter's bookshelf.

His books were lined up on the top three shelves and comics were stacked haphazardly on the remaining ones. Poking through them, she discovered that they were roughly organized by series, but other than that there wasn't much method to it. She smiled, imagining him setting them down as he read them and moving on to the next thing without another thought. She was much the same honestly. Maids had more to hold against her than her mother.

She moved onto the books. She was surprised to find that she'd read a fair number of them, and many of those were books that she had loved and reread multiple times. She pulled an especially familiar title off the shelf, running her thumb along the back and opening it up, letting the pages fall open by themselves and noting how the spine couldn't quite decide where to settle. It was a well-loved copy.

“Sorry about that,” Dexter said to her. She'd barely noticed that he had hung up. He walked over to her, grinning when he saw what she was holding. “I love that one. Darling and I- I mean-” He started again. “I used to read that all the time.”

Raven smiled up at him. “You have good taste.” She closed it and looked at the cover again, biting her lip. “This was my favorite book. I haven't read it in ages.”

“You can borrow it if you want,” Dexter told her. She looked back up at him, wishing, wanting.

She set the book down on the bed behind her.

“There's something I have to tell you.”

Dexter suddenly looked very nervous. She knew the feeling. “What is it?”

Raven opened her mouth. Nothing came out.

“It's okay,” he reassured her. “Whatever it is, I'm sure it's okay.”

Raven's heart took up residence in her throat. She looked Dexter straight in the eyes, the sheer blueness of them boring into her. Oh, godmother.

“Idon'twanttohavesexwithyou,” she said.

Dexter looked startled, and slightly confused. “What?”

She took a breath. “I don't want to have sex with you.”

He stared at her. “You don't want to have sex with me.”

Raven nodded. “Probably never.” A switch flipped in her mind. “It's not that I don't like you! I really, really do and I want to keep dating you I love it I love this I just don't want to...have sex with you. Ever. I hope that's okay.” She exhaled. That was it. Her feelings laid bare.

She gave him a moment to absorb it.

“You don't want to have sex with me,” he repeated.

Raven's stomach dropped. Her heart felt hollow. She had told herself to expect something like this, just in case, but she still hadn't quite believed-

Dexter laughed suddenly, the reaction bubbling out of him. He took a single step towards her and slipped his arms around her. She suddenly found herself in the air, being hugged very tightly.

“You don't want to have sex with me,” he whispered.

He stiffened suddenly, setting her down quickly and taking a step back. “Sorry,” he said.

Raven was very confused. This was very, very far out of the realm of what she had been expecting.

“This isn't a joke, though?” Dexter asked. “You're not joking?”

She took a deep breath. “No, I'm not.”

Dexter just looked at her. He shook his head. “This is...” His face broke out in a wide, relieved grin. “This is the best news.”

“What?” Raven asked. He was very cute, and this didn't exactly seem to be going badly, but her confusion only kept growing.

Dexter took her hands in his own. She held on more tightly than was strictly necessary.

“I thought I was going to have to tell you,” he said.

Hope started growing in Raven's chest, and as much as she tried to squash it down it stubbornly stayed rooted there.

“I don't want to have sex with you,” Dexter Charming said. “I thought for sure you were going to break up with me as soon as I told you, but now-”

“Wait, are you the-” She inhaled. “Are you like me?”

“If you mean you've never, _liked_ anyone like that then, well,” Dexter sighed. “Yeah.”

Raven shook her head. She laughed. Dexter joined in. She hugged him again, throwing her arms around his neck and squeezing tighter as her feet left the ground.

“I never thought....” he said quietly.

“Me too,” she replied. She buried her face in his neck.

After another moment he set her back on her feet, but he kept his hands on her back. She had to crane her neck to look at him, but she didn't mind.

“So,” Dexter said. “No sex?”

Raven gave a single nod. “No sex.”

He went in for another hug, this time going over her arms so she could stay on the ground. She leaned her head against his chest, taking a moment to appreciate the sound of his heartbeat slowing to a steady pace.

“How do you feel about cuddling?” Raven asked.

Dexter leaned back and smiled down at her.

 

…

 

Raven Queen was feeling a lot like nothing in the world could go wrong.

Here she was, lying in bed with her boyfriend (boyfriend!) Dexter Charming, one of his arms around her as she lay with her head on his chest, his other hand holding the book they were taking turns reading out loud from.

She snuggled in closer and closed her eyes, smiling to herself as he reached up to stroke her hair.

Things had gone so much better than she had ever hoped for. She'd never in her entire life dreamed that it could work out like this. Not only was Dexter perfectly okay with how she was, but he felt exactly the same.

They were going to be okay. They were going to be more than okay, they were going to be perfect.

Well, maybe not perfect. Nothing was. There were people they still had to tell about the two of them, and more obstacles to overcome than they could see coming. But Raven had faith that they could get through it if they wanted to.

She scooted herself up, waiting until he paused in his reading, and leaned in close to his face. She stopped when their noses brushed, breathing in each other's air, not hesitating, but asking.

She heard the sound of pages against the blankets, and a moment later his hand was on her cheek, fingers in her hair, as he leaned in the rest of the way.

Raven had spent so much of her life feeling like the world had never wanted her. From her mother, to the bullies, to that awful scene in a book still sitting somewhere far away at her home. And she could say that they didn't matter, but they did. They still sat in her chest and whispered terrible, awful, dark things to her heart, making her feel small and scared and unloved. But they would never hold her captive. She was stronger than that.

Raven had discovered long ago that the stories in the world were not written for her. But that was okay. She was writing her own.

And more importantly, she had the people she loved writing theirs alongside her.

And Raven knew that no matter what, she would never truly be alone. This was her Happily Ever After.

 

 


End file.
